dark jokes.........................................one click away

 

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

I'm not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are in on it too.

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well.

What do you call a group of musical vegetables? A veggie band.

I'm not forgetful, I just have a selective memory.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our meals.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." That sounds like a fair trade.

The last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket was, "Hey, watch this!"

I have a friend who's a funeral director. He says business is always picking up.

What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind; marriage is an eye-opener.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

My computer suddenly started singing. I think it caught a virus.

You know you're getting old when you bend over to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.  

I'm not saying my memory is bad, but I can't remember what I was going to say.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. We're having a private conversation.

I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately discussing my opinion.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.