dark jokes only for adult

 

My husband says I'm never wrong. He's usually right about that.

I asked my husband if he'd still love me if I was a worm. He said he'd miss my cooking.

My husband and I have a competition to see who can stay silent the longest. I'm winning.

I told my husband he was average in bed. He asked, "Compared to who?" I said, "Exactly."

My husband thinks I spend too much time on social media. I haven't updated my status to "widowed" yet, so he's probably right.

Our marriage is like a fine cheese. It gets smellier and more expensive with age.

I love my husband, but sometimes I wish he came with a mute button.

My husband and I have a great system. I make the decisions, and he complains about them.

I asked my husband what he thought about my new dress. He said it hid my other clothes well.

My husband is convinced he's a great handyman. Everything he "fixes" requires professional help afterward.

My wife and I have a secret signal. When she talks, I pretend to listen.

I told my wife she was the light of my life. Then the electricity bill came.

My wife is an excellent driver. She knows exactly how to make me question all my life choices.

I asked my wife if she thought I was insensitive. She said, "What's that?"

My wife and I decided to try role-playing in the bedroom. I pretended to be asleep.

My wife has a black belt in shopping. I have a brown belt in ramen noodles.

I told my wife she needed to be more spontaneous. So she sold my car.

My wife and I are so in sync, we finish each other's sentences. Especially when we're arguing.

My wife said I have two faults: I don't listen and I ignore her.

I thought marriage would change me. It did. Now I understand why prisoners try to escape.

My wife is like a fine wine. Complex, often misunderstood, and occasionally gives me a headache.

I asked my wife if she'd seen my mood ring. She said, "Oh, so it's my fault you're in a bad mood?"

My wife and I share everything. I use the shower first, she uses all the hot water.

I told my wife she was out of my league. She said, "You're right."

My wife has a way of looking at me that makes me feel like I'm the reason the dinosaurs went extinct.